Read Funny Jokes which will make you laugh!
Fuuny Irish Joke
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.” At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.” “Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the men. “And you’ll only be getting fifteen from me too,” adds the other.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
What do you call an alligator that works on Wall Street?
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
I was heels over head!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other… “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I would avoid the sushi if I was you.
It’s a little fishy!
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Short Funny Jokes
Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
A blonde goes to the doctor’s and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what’s wrong. She replies, “I know who the dad is for one of them but I don’t know who the dad is for the other one!”
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Wife – I bought new jeans.
Me – They look great on you.
Wife – They’re still in the bag.
Me – They look great on you.
A man asks a farmer near a field: Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.
The farmer says: Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.
“Grandpa, why don’t you have any life insurance?”
“So you can all be really sad when I die.”
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck.” The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?” The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla.”
Stupid Funny Kid Jokes
Here are a few funny jokes for kids that were written by kids.
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. (They’re great for separating independent Clauses)
Q: What do spys eat instead of McDonald’s?
Q: Why don’t ants get sick?
A: Because they have little anty-bodies.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Q: What do you call a tiger with glasses on?
A: A scientist tiger.
Q: What is Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill?
A: Walking… jk, rolling.
Man: Waiter, how long will my pizza be?
Waiter: Not very long.
Q: What’s E.T. short for?
A: Because he’s got little legs.
Q: Why did the banana eat himself?
A: He had nothing.
No matter how kind you are, German children will always be Kinder.
What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a chicken? Nothing but death.
Q: What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Q: What do you call a fish with no tail?
A: A one eyed grape.
Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A: Aye Matey.
Crocodiles might be vegetarians because when they open their mouths, we could easily put in vegetables!
Q: What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
A: Ye’d think it be “R”, but a pirate’s first love will always be the “C”.
– Do you like icecream?
– Then maybe you should marry it.
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he never lands.
Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
Q: Why do monkeys eat banana?
A: Because bananas are not afraid.
Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit. The other chickpea asks: “Are you okay?” and the chickpea answers: “No, I falafel”
Brand New Fuuny Jokes
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Lotto Fuuny Jokes
A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”
Another Funny Joke
An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. “I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!” The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there’s no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.” The agent knows he won’t be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. “Are you all right?” asks the agent. “No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you’d be happy about it!”
A Funny Divorce Joke
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.” The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.” “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.” The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?” “Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”
Husband and Wife Funny Joke
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Oh, yes.”
Boy: “I love you so much, I could never live without you.”
Girl: “Is that you or the beer talking?”
Boy: “It’s me talking to the beer.”
New Fuuny Jokes
funny joke – The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?”
The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”
A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound fuuny joke
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “about 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”