JOKES ABOUT HUSBAND AND WIFE THE WHOLE WORLD IT`S ONLY YOU - I love you! - Prove it! - How? - Shout that you love so all the world can hear. He quietly walked over and whispered in her ear: - I love you … - Why is it so quiet and why in my ear? - Because the whole world to me - it’s only you. FOUND THE COMPROMISE Husband and wife come for consultation to psychologist. Husband : - We are always arguing. We have only one car and she wants me to drive her to work every day and then go to my office and she doesn`t want to get out of the house earlier and she wants to go to work by the car only , so I am always late. Doctor : - Try to find the compromise , for example , you drive her to work one week and the other week she drives you to the office . One week later husband comes back to the psychologist`s office. Doctor : - So,did you find the compromise? Husband : - Yes,we did , last week I was going to work by subway…… YOU`LL NEVER FIND WIFE LIKE ME Husband and wife are arguing. - You`ll never find wife like me ever again. - I will never search for one like you ever again ……. BAD VISION - Husband and wife joke Wife with a husband comes to the eye doctor office : - Doctor,my husband has a very bad vision. Please convince him to do the surgery!!! She leaves. Doctor checks guy`s eyes and realized that his vision is 100% : - Why do you pretend at home that you have a bad vision? - Doctor you just can`t imagine how tired am I for 37 years marriage to answer the questions like : “Is this dress better then the other?”, “Is this hairstyle better ?” , “Do you think I look good for that party?” , “Do you think this color of dishes is good for our kitchen?” ……. NEW HAIRSTYLE- Husband and wife joke Wife comes back from very expensive VIP hairdressing salon and asks husband : - Honey,how do you like my new hairstyle? Husband looked at wife and says : - Don`t worry it`ll grow back fast !!! DIVERSITY IN THE DAILY DIET Husband asks wife : - Why did you start making steaks different sizes ? - But,Honey,didn`t you asked for some diversity in our daily diet ?! I REALIZED THAT I AM THE VICTIM After ten years of marriage, the wife asks her husband: - Honey, are you by nature a winner or a loser? - Honey, over the years I realized that I am the victim … THE WHOLE WORLD FOR ME – IT`S ONLY YOU Husband and wife are talking : - I love you! - Prove it! - How? - Shout that you love me so the whole world can hear you. He quietly walked over and whispered in her ear: - I love you … - Why so quiet and why in the ear? - Because the whole world for me – it’s only you. WIFE DECIDED TO LOSE WEIGHT My wife decided to lose weight. She started going to the fitness classes,pool and singing lessons. You probably want to ask:”Why the singing lessons?” She just want to make herself as busy as possible,so she doesn`t have a lot of time to eat. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTERESTS - Husband and wife joke Husband and wife divorcing. I the court judge ask husband: - What is the reason for divorce? - Unfortunately my wife and me have completely different interests : I interested only in women, and she interested only in men… USING EAR AS AN ASHTRAY - Why do you want to divorce your wife? - She smokes in bed! - Well,that`s not a reason for divorce. - Yes,but also she likes to use my ear as an ashtray!!! YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS COMPLETE REST - Your husband needs complete rest, – doctor cays to a woman. – Here is the prescription for sleeping pills. - How often does he have to take them,doctor? - No sleeping pills are for you,so he can have rest. SHE IS IN A HURRY - Who are you talking there more than an hour? – husband asks his wife, leaning out of the window. - This is Mrs. Brown, dear. She is in a hurry, and she does not have time to visit us. HOW COME YOU CAN`T TALK Wife saying to a husband : - I need to talk to you about something very important,but I can`t because you always drunk. - How come? I am always drunk,but you are the one who can not talk? I don`t understand. LOST EACH OTHER IN A STORE Husband and wife lost each other in a big store. So husband asking very cute salesperson: - Please,can you smile to me? - Why? - If you do,my wife will appear here in a second. MY WIFE WANTS TO LOSE WEIGHT - Husband and wife joke - My wife wants to lose some weight,so she is doing a lot of horse riding. - And,what are the results? - For one week horse lost 20 pounds. NOW IT`S USELESS - One guy complain to his friend: - I don`t know what`s wrong with my wife. Every night she is coughing so bad,I can`t even sleep. - You should send her to a doctor. - Oh,now it`s useless. Tonight I am leaving to a business trip for a week. VERY IMPORTANT MATTER Wife argue with husband: - You can`t choose what car to buy almost for five months!!! And when we start dating,you proposed to me after just one week!!! - Darling,you can`t compare this kind of things. Choosing the car – it is very important matter!!! HE THINKS THAT HE IS A CHICKEN Can you imagine,my husband has an obsession!!! All the time he thinks that he is a chicken!!! – You have…
Hyderabadi Ladies funny talk - Hyderabadi Jokes
What British Say What They Mean
funny collection of all time favorite husband wife jokes Husband got shocked on wife's reply: - Husband Wife Jokes Pati Patni Ki Ladayi Ho Rahi Thi. Pati Ne Patni Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha??? Biwi Ne Koi Jawab Nahi Diya. Pati Ne Fir Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha??? Biwi Fir Chupp Rahi. Pati Ne Ek Baar Aur Puchha: Main Tumse Kuch Puch Raha Hun. Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha??? Biwi: Nahi Kaha Aur Please Ab Bhaunkna Band Karo. Copy cat husband got trapped: - Husband Wife Jokes Wife: Khana kha liya? Husband: Khana kha liya? Wife: Batao na. Husband: Batao na. Wife: Pleaseee... batao na. Husband: Pleaseee..... batao na. Wife: Achcha ji! Meri naqal? Husband: Achcha ji! Meri naqal? Wife: I Love U!!! Husband: Haan yaar, khana kha liya maine... Take a look: Shaadi Ke baad Patni Kaise badalti hain - Husband Wife Jokes Pehle Saal: Maine kaha ji, khana kha lijiye, aapne kaafi der se kuchh khaya nahin! Dusre Saal: Ji, khana taiyaar hai, laga dun? Teesre Saal: Khana ban chuka hai, jab khana ho tab bata dena...! Chauthe Saal: Khana banakar rakh diya hai, main bazaar ja rahi hoon, jhud hi nikal kar kha lena. Paanchve Saal: Main kehti hoon, aaj mujhse khana nahin banega, hotel se le aao. Chhathe Saal: Jab dekho khana khana aur khaana, abhi subah hi to khaya tha. Shaadi ke baad Pati kaise badalte hain.. Zara gaur kijiye... Pehle Saal: Jaanu, Sambhalkar... udhar gadda hai... Dusre Saal: Arey yaar dekh ke, udhar Gadda hai... Teesre Saal: Dikhta nahin udhar Gadda hai... Chauthe Saal: Andhi hai kya, Gadda nahin dikhta?? Paanchve Saal: Arey udhar kidhar marne jaa rahi hai, Gadda to idhar hai... A true problem of a husband working in a private firm: Witches are also wives: Husband Wife Jokes EK shaitaani Chudel ne 60 saal ke husband & wife se kaha: Main tum dono ki ek ek wish puri kar sakti hun. Wife: Main apne pati ke saath saari duniya ghoomna chaahti hun. Chudel ne chutki bajayi aur 2 tickets aa gaye. Phir husband se poochha: Tum bolo kya chaahte ho?? Husband: Mujhe apne se 30 saal chhoti wife chaahiye. Chudel ne chutki bajayi aur husband ko 90 saal ka kar dia!!! Moral: Aadmi ko yaad rakhna chaahiye ke Chudel bhi aurat hi hoti hai. Beemar Employee se uski biwi boli: Iss bar koi Janwaron ke Doctor ko dikhao tabhi AAPtheek hoge?? Pati: Woh Kyon ?? Biwi: Roz Subah Murge ki tarah Jaldi Uthh Jate ho... Ghode ki tarah Bhag-Bhag ke Office chale Jate ho... Gadhe ki tarah dinbhar kaam karte ho... Lomadi ki tarah idhar-udhar se information batorkar report banate ho... Bandar ki tarah client ke ishare par nachte ho... Ghar aakar pariwar par kutte ki tarah chillate ho.... Aur fir bhainse ki tarah khaa kar so jate ho... Insaano ka Doctor tumhe kya theek kar payega !!!!
बच्चा school test में fail होकर घर आया. पापा – नालायक ! आज से मुझे पापा मत कहना …. ! बच्चा – हद हो गई … आखिर school test ही तो था कोई DNA test थोड़े ही था !!!
When your dad is a twin...
Admit it. You've used all of these escape methods to get away from your baby once they had finally fallen asleep... Escaping a Sleeping BabyAdmit it. You've used all of these escape methods to get away from your baby once they had finally fallen asleep...Posted by Story of This Life on Wednesday, 26 November 2014
A man thanked God for giving him a good wife. He asked God, "why did u make my wife so loving & caring?" God replied: "so that u love her" The man further asked: "Why did u make her so beautiful and gorgeous❓ God replied: "so that u love her" The man again asked: "Why did u make her an amazing cook" God replied: "so that u love her" The man then angrily asked: "But then why did u make her such a fool❓ God said: "so that she can love you too...! All wives ROCK👍👍👍👍😄
Original Story: The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. .......................... Indian Version: The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. NDTV, Times Now, CNN IBN, BBC, CNN , Asianet show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter . Mayawati states this as 'injustice' done on Minorities. The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers. Railway minister allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'. Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the 'Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act'[POTAGA] , with effect from the beginning of the winter.. Education minister makes 'Special Reservation' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions in Government Services. The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, it's home is confiscated by Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV, Times Now, CNN IBN, BBC, CNN. Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'. Railway minister calls it 'Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it 'Revolutionary Resurgence of Downtrodden' . . . . Many years later... The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley , 100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India , ....AND As a result of losing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers, India is still a developing country...!! P.S.:we have no idea whose creative mind this has come out from, but this piece is awesome. Your comments and sharing with other people would be appreciated.
छोटी - सी लड़की ने अपनी मां से पूछा - मम्मी , तुमने कहा था ना कि परियों के पंख होते हैं और वह उड़ सकती हैं ना ? मम्मी - हां बेटी , कहा था | लड़की - कल रात डैडी आया को कह रहे थे कि वह तो परी हैं | वह कब उड़ेगी मम्मी ? मम्मी ( छोटी सी लड़की से ) - सुबह होते ही उड़ जाएगी बेटी |
पिता ( बेटे से ) - देखों बेटे , जुआ नहीं खेलते | यह ऐसी आदत हैं कि यदि इसमें आज जीतोगे तो कल हारोगे , परसों जीतोगे तो उससे अगले दिन हार जाओगे | बेटा - बस , पिताजी ! मैं समझ गया , आगे से मैं एक दिन छौड़कर खेला करूंगा |
एक बच्चे ने दूसरे बच्चे से पूछा - क्या तुम चीनी भाषा पढ सकते हो ? दूसरे बच्चे ने कहा - हां , अगर वह हिंदी तथा अंग्रेजी में लिखी हो तो....
बच्चा - मम्मा क्या मैं भगवान की तरह दिखता हूं ? मम्मी - नहीं , पर तुम ऐसा क्यों पूछ रहे हो बेटा | बच्चा - क्योंकि मम्मा मैं कहीं भी जाता हूं तो सब यही कहते हैं कि हे भगवान फिर आ गया |
College life is like Reliance! Karlo Duniya Mutthi Mein 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 Bachelor Life is Like Airtel! Aisi Azadi aur Kahan 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 After Engagement is Like Idea! Jo Badal de aapki Duniya 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 After Marrige is like Vodafone! Where you go.. network Follows 😀😀😀😀😀😀 After Kids is like BSNL! All lines are Busy 😜😜😜😜😜😜 but ourgroup is like LIC Zindagi ke saath bhi Zindagi ke baad bhi!! 👍👌🙏👌👍🙏👍👌
ये अफवाह... कौन फैला रहा है की ☝😆 अँक्टिवा के साइलेंसर पे बीबी का नाम लिखने से.. बुलेट की आवाज आती है 😂😂
Ek Student prarthna mein bhagwan se bola: 1 Dollar ki keemat 66 rupees tak pohchai, Petrol ki 70 rupees tak, Dudh ki 60 rupees tak, Onion ki 80 rupees aur Dal 160 tak!!!! Lekin phir bhi aapka lakh-lakh shukar hai bhagwan... Passing marks aaj bhi 35 hi rakhe hai ! warna vaat lag jati.. 😇😂😂 With Love from Last Bench Association..
Each Friday afternoon we go home full of the joys of the weekend. In contrast after the weekend we drag ourselves into work full of the Monday morning blues.“ On Monday Morning your mechanic turned up with your car - I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Happy Monday Happy Monday lovely WowFunnyJokes readers! Let’s start this week with some dose of humor, shall we “Don’t mess with anybody on a Monday. It’s a bad, bad day!” “One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day..” “Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks…” “It might take a year, it might take a day, but what’s meant to be will always find it’s way..” “It’s only four days till Friday!” “You don’t need a new year to make a change, all you need is a Monday!” “This is how my week goes: Moooooonday, Tueeessdaaaayyy, Weeedddneesdday, Thurrrssdaayy, FridaySaturdaySunday..” Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news and hear.. ‘Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep..” “Look at the bright side..at least Mondays only happen once a week!” “I soo can’t wait to got to work tomorrow! Mondays are my favorite day of the week!” said no one ever “Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.” “Monday mornings are so depressing you won’t crack a smile until 11:16am. study finds.” “Shortest horror story: Monday!” “Three horrible facts: today is not friday; tomorrow is not friday; even the day after tomorrow is not friday.” “So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.” “Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.” “There are no miracles on Mondays.” “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear… ‘Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep.’ “One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day..” “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!” “Imagine having Mondays as a holiday and then it wold be the best thing. Will someone please assist me in making it a official holiday and solve all our Monday blues.” “Hello, Monday. May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?” “Monday is the root of all evil.” “There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work on Mondays.”
Sardar Ji: Hamne Mobile Marriage Bureau shuru kiya hai: "Rishtey k liye 1 dabaye, Mangni k liye 2 dabye, Shadi k liye 3 dabye." Man: Hum Dusri Shadi k liye kya dabaun? Sardar Ji: Dusri shadi k liye pehle wali ka gala dabye ..!
10 Doctors, 5 Engineers aur 1 Teacher helicopter ki rassi pe latke hue the. Pilot - Weight zyadaa hai, 1 Aadmi ko rassi choddni padegi! Teacher - "Ye Qurbani hum denge kyunki hum teacher hain! Bajao taaliyaan!" Sabhi Doctors aur Engineers taaliyaan bajaane lage! Weight khud hi kam ho gaya! MORAL: Doctor, bano ya Engineer, GURU toh aakhir GURU hi hota hai.