JOKES ABOUT HUSBAND AND WIFE

JOKES ABOUT HUSBAND AND WIFE

THE WHOLE WORLD IT`S ONLY YOU

– I love you!
Prove it!
– How?
Shout that you love so all the world can hear.
He quietly walked over and whispered in her ear:
– I love you …
Why is it so quiet and why in my ear?
Because the whole world to me – it’s only you.

FOUND THE COMPROMISE

Husband and wife come for consultation to psychologist.
Husband :
– We are always arguing. We have only one car and she wants me to drive her to work every day and then go to my office and she doesn`t want to get out of the house earlier and she wants to go to work by the car only , so I am always late.
Doctor :
– Try to find the compromise , for example , you drive her to work one week and the other week she drives you to the office .
One week later husband comes back to the psychologist`s office.
Doctor :
– So,did you find the compromise?
Husband :
– Yes,we did , last week I was going to work by subway……

YOU`LL NEVER FIND WIFE LIKE ME

Husband and wife are arguing.
– You`ll never find wife like me ever again.
– I will never search for one like you ever again …….

BAD VISION – Husband and wife joke

Wife with a husband comes to the eye doctor office :
– Doctor,my husband has a very bad vision. Please convince him to do the surgery!!!
She leaves.
Doctor checks guy`s eyes and realized that his vision is 100% :
– Why do you pretend at home that you have a bad vision?
– Doctor you just can`t imagine how tired am I for 37 years marriage  to answer the questions like : “Is this dress better then the other?”,
“Is this hairstyle better ?” , “Do you think I look good for that party?” , “Do you think this color of dishes is good for our kitchen?” …….

NEW HAIRSTYLE- Husband and wife joke

 

Wife comes back from very expensive VIP hairdressing salon and asks husband :
– Honey,how do you like my new hairstyle?
Husband looked at wife and says :
– Don`t worry it`ll grow back fast !!!

DIVERSITY IN THE DAILY DIET

Husband asks wife :
– Why did you start making steaks different sizes ?
– But,Honey,didn`t you asked for some diversity in our daily diet ?!

I REALIZED THAT I AM THE VICTIM

After ten years of marriage, the wife asks her husband:
– Honey, are you by nature a winner or a loser?
– Honey, over the years I realized that I am the victim …

THE WHOLE WORLD FOR ME – IT`S ONLY YOU

Husband and wife are talking :
– I love you!
– Prove it!
– How?
– Shout that you love me so the whole world can hear you.
He quietly walked over and whispered in her ear:
– I love you …
– Why so quiet and why in the ear?
– Because the whole world for me – it’s only you.

WIFE DECIDED TO LOSE WEIGHT

My wife decided to lose weight.
She started going to the fitness classes,pool and singing lessons.
You probably want to ask:”Why the singing lessons?”
She just want to make herself as busy as possible,so she doesn`t have a lot of time to eat.

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTERESTS – Husband and wife joke

 

Husband and wife divorcing.
I the court judge ask husband:
– What is the reason for divorce?
– Unfortunately my wife and me have completely different interests : I interested only in women, and she interested only in men…

USING EAR AS AN ASHTRAY

– Why do you want to divorce your wife?
– She smokes in bed!
– Well,that`s not a reason for divorce.
– Yes,but also she likes to use my ear as an ashtray!!!

YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS COMPLETE REST

– Your husband needs complete rest, – doctor cays to a woman. – Here is the prescription for sleeping pills.
– How often does he have to take them,doctor?
– No sleeping pills are for you,so he can have rest.

SHE IS IN A HURRY

– Who are you talking there more than an hour? – husband asks his wife, leaning out of the window.
– This is Mrs. Brown, dear. She is in a hurry, and she does not have time to visit us.

HOW COME YOU CAN`T TALK

Wife saying to a husband :
– I need to talk to you about something very important,but I can`t because you always drunk.
– How come? I am always drunk,but you are the one who can not talk? I don`t understand.

LOST EACH OTHER IN A STORE

Husband and wife lost each other in a big store.
So husband asking very cute salesperson:
– Please,can you smile to me?
– Why?
– If you do,my wife will appear here in a second.

MY WIFE WANTS TO LOSE WEIGHT – Husband and wife joke

– My wife wants to lose some weight,so she is doing a lot of horse riding.
– And,what are the results?
– For one week horse lost 20 pounds.

NOW IT`S USELESS

– One guy complain to his friend:
– I don`t know what`s wrong with my wife. Every night she is coughing so bad,I can`t even sleep.
– You should send her to a doctor.
– Oh,now it`s useless. Tonight I am leaving to a business trip for a week.

VERY IMPORTANT MATTER

Wife argue with husband:
– You can`t choose what car to buy almost for five months!!! And when we start dating,you proposed to me after just one week!!!
– Darling,you can`t compare this kind of things. Choosing the car – it is very important matter!!!

HE THINKS THAT HE IS A CHICKEN

 Can you imagine,my husband has an obsession!!! All the time he thinks that he is a chicken!!!
– You have to bring him to a doctor.
– No,no,no!!! Then I won`t have fresh eggs for breakfast every day!!!

BEAUTIFUL WORDS

Wife saying to her husband :
– Honey,is it true that my eyes blue,like a sky?
– Yes. – husband replied
– And my lips red,like roses?
– Sure.
– Oh,I like it so much,when you saying to me such a beautiful words.

ON THE BEACH

Husband and wife are sitting on the beach.
Wife asking husband:
– What do you like more in me : my body or tan?
– Your sense of humor, – husband responded.

TOOK EACH OTHER PHONES

They lived happily,until  by mistake they took each other phones.

TOO TIRED HUSBAND

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.
– How is your married life? – one is asking.
– My husband for a last couple of weeks is helping me a lot around a house:watching kids,cooking,doing the shopping,cleaning,doing laundry…..
– How did you convinced him to do that?
– He read the article in one magazine that if woman less tired at the and of the day,then she is much more active in sex.
– And,did it help him?
– I don`t know yet.He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.

HUSBAND AND HIS SOON EX WIFE

Young wife says to her husband:
–  Now that we’re married, you’d better stop playing golf. Judge for yourself : –  if you sell all the sticks, we can afford to buy new furniture.
–  You sound like my ex-wife.
– The ex-wife??? You did not tell me that before you was married to someone!
– I was not,you`ll be my ex soon.

MARRIED LIFE

From a married life.
First year : he is talking – she is listening.
Second year : she is talking – he is listening.
Third year : they both are talking – neighbors are listening.

JUST FOR A MINUTE

Wife saying to a husband :
– I `ll go to a neighbor for a minute and you stir soup every 10 minutes.

DO SOMETHING UNUSUAL

Wife saying to a husband :
– Life is so boring,I want to do something unusual,something that I never did before.
– Ok, – husband reacted, – you can iron my shirt

TICKETS ON THE PIANO

Husband and wife going by a taxi to the airport and they where very late. When they almost got to the airport wife says:
– I wish we took our piano with us.
– What a silly thoughts you have in your head? – husband responds.
– I forgot our plane tickets on the piano.

Husband Wife Jokes – funny collection of husband wife jokes

funny collection of all time favorite husband wife jokes

Husband got shocked on wife’s reply: – Husband Wife Jokes 
Pati Patni Ki Ladayi Ho Rahi Thi.

Pati Ne Patni Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha???

Biwi Ne Koi Jawab Nahi Diya.

Pati Ne Fir Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha???

Biwi Fir Chupp Rahi.

Pati Ne Ek Baar Aur Puchha: Main Tumse Kuch Puch Raha Hun. Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha???

Biwi: Nahi Kaha Aur Please Ab Bhaunkna Band Karo.

Copy cat husband got trapped: – Husband Wife Jokes 
Wife: Khana kha liya?

Husband: Khana kha liya?

Wife: Batao na.

Husband: Batao na.

Wife: Pleaseee… batao na.

Husband: Pleaseee….. batao na.

Wife: Achcha ji! Meri naqal?

Husband: Achcha ji! Meri naqal?

Wife: I Love U!!!

Husband: Haan yaar, khana kha liya maine…

Take a look: Shaadi Ke baad Patni Kaise badalti hain – Husband Wife Jokes 
Pehle Saal: Maine kaha ji, khana kha lijiye, aapne kaafi der se kuchh khaya nahin!

Dusre Saal: Ji, khana taiyaar hai, laga dun?

Teesre Saal: Khana ban chuka hai, jab khana ho tab bata dena…!

Chauthe Saal: Khana banakar rakh diya hai, main bazaar ja rahi hoon, jhud hi nikal kar kha lena.

Paanchve Saal: Main kehti hoon, aaj mujhse khana nahin banega, hotel se le aao.

Chhathe Saal: Jab dekho khana khana aur khaana, abhi subah hi to khaya tha.

Shaadi ke baad Pati kaise badalte hain.. Zara gaur kijiye…

Pehle Saal: Jaanu, Sambhalkar… udhar gadda hai…

Dusre Saal: Arey yaar dekh ke, udhar Gadda hai…

Teesre Saal: Dikhta nahin udhar Gadda hai…

Chauthe Saal: Andhi hai kya, Gadda nahin dikhta??

Paanchve Saal: Arey udhar kidhar marne jaa rahi hai, Gadda to idhar hai…

A true problem of a husband working in a private firm:
Witches are also wives: Husband Wife Jokes 
EK shaitaani Chudel ne 60 saal ke husband & wife se kaha: Main tum dono ki ek ek wish puri kar sakti hun.

Wife: Main apne pati ke saath saari duniya ghoomna chaahti hun.

Chudel ne chutki bajayi aur 2 tickets aa gaye.

Phir husband se poochha: Tum bolo kya chaahte ho??

Husband: Mujhe apne se 30 saal chhoti wife chaahiye.

Chudel ne chutki bajayi aur husband ko 90 saal ka kar dia!!!

Moral: Aadmi ko yaad rakhna chaahiye ke Chudel bhi aurat hi hoti hai.

Beemar Employee se uski biwi boli: Iss bar koi Janwaron ke Doctor ko dikhao tabhi AAPtheek hoge??

Pati: Woh Kyon ??

Biwi: Roz Subah Murge ki tarah Jaldi Uthh Jate ho…
Ghode ki tarah Bhag-Bhag ke Office chale Jate ho…
Gadhe ki tarah dinbhar kaam karte ho…
Lomadi ki tarah idhar-udhar se information batorkar report banate ho…
Bandar ki tarah client ke ishare par nachte ho…
Ghar aakar pariwar par kutte ki tarah chillate ho….
Aur fir bhainse ki tarah khaa kar so jate ho…
Insaano ka Doctor tumhe kya theek kar payega !!!!

Escaping a Sleeping Baby

Admit it. You’ve used all of these escape methods to get away from your baby once they had finally fallen asleep…

 

Escaping a Sleeping Baby

Admit it. You've used all of these escape methods to get away from your baby once they had finally fallen asleep…

Posted by Story of This Life on Wednesday, 26 November 2014