Just Jokes

  • A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office”? “I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill”. The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. Open-mouthed smile

 

  • Once a preacher was preaching on the theme: I am coming – The final coming of Christ. The church was full and some people were even seated right in front of the pulpit. Unfortunately, at times the priest suffered from memory loss. At one point, he spoke in the person of Christ: “I am coming!” but just then his memory failed him. He couldn’t proceed. He repeated, “I am coming! But still no success. To hide his embarrassment, he hit the railing of the pulpit and shouted once again “I am coming!”. to the horror of al, the railing gave way, and he landed in the lap of a lady sitting below. As the priest apologized to her, she excused him saying: Father, it is not at all your fault. I should have been more careful. In fact you said three times ‘I am coming’.

 

  • A dieticians was addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or probably will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “The Wedding cake.”

 

  • A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that “JONAH” was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, “What if JONAH went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

 

  • A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old. After explaining the commandment to “HONOR” thy Father and thy mother,” she asked, “is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

 

  • An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother. “It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

 

  • A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

 

  • The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or, ‘that’s Michael. He’s a doctor.” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

 

  • A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet aren’t empty

 

  • Paul: I am late, teacher, I overslept.

         Teacher: what? You mean to say you sleep at home also?

         Teacher (to parent): Rahul is naughty and deserve punishment.

         Parent: Please do not punish Rahul, he is very sensitive. Just slap the boy next to him-he will get the message.

  • On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

 

  • The Lord got so tired of a certain man’s prayers that He appeared to him one day and said: “I have decided to give you any three things you ask for. After that I won’t give you anything else.” Happily the man made his first petition at once. He asked that his wife should die so that he could marry a younger woman. His petition was granted. But when his friends gathered for the funeral, they began to recall all the good qualities of his wife, and the man realized that he had made a terrible mistake. So he asked the Lord to bring her back to life. He did that left the man with only one petition left. He was determined not to make a mistake this time, because he would have not chance to correct it. He consulted wisely. Some of his friends told him to ask for immortality. But others said: “What good is immortality if you don’t have good health? And of what use is good health, if you have no money? And of what use is money, if you have no friends?” Years passed, and he could not make up his mind what he should ask for: life or health or power or love. Finally, he said to the Lord: “Please advise me what to ask for.” The Lord laughed and said: “Ask to be contented no matter what life brings you.”

 

  • A policeman stopped the parish priest who was riding through the town at night on a bicycle without light. “I’m sorry. Father, but the fine is Rs 5/- said the policeman. “But, my son,” protested the priest, “nothing can happen to me, for the Lord is travelling with me”. “What, exclaimed the policeman, “two people on the same bicycle? Then, Rs. 10/-, please”.

 

  • The parish priest always preached very long and very loud. Nobody had the courage to confront him except the big-mouth of the town. She goes to him to complain: “Father, you preach so loud, I don’t see why I should come to the church at all! I can hear you even from my house!” The priest replied, “Of course, you can do it and hear my sermon thus. And when it comes to Communion, you can also receive it staying in your house – you’ve got a such a long tongue!”

 

  • Sardarji is buying a TV. “Do you have colour TVs?” “Sure.” “Give me a green one, please.”

         Sardarji calls Air India. “How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?” “Just a sec,” says the rep. “Thank you.” says Sardar and hangs up.

        Sardarji is filling up a job application. He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED. After much thought he writes: Yes.

      Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes, if you bring me a pair of crocodile