One Line Friendship Status - Friendship the strong relation between two friends. Friendship is one of the most valuable relation. Here are some One Line Friendship Status for Whatsapp A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. You cannot be friends upon any other terms than upon the terms of equality. Silence is the true friend that never betrays. Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness. No man is useless while he has a friend. Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Don’t count how many new friends you can make. Count how many old friends you can keep. Friendship is not the collection of hearts but it is selection of hearts All friends are not true But true friends are very few which include YOU. If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I would be at the bottom to catch them Another month, another year. . Another smile, another tear. . Another winter and another summer too But there can never be another you.
Visit To The Dentist The Marshes were shown into the dentist’s surgery, where Mr Marsh makes it absolutely clear that he is in a big hurry.Funny visit to the dentist ‘No expensive extras, Doctor’, Marsh demands, ‘No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.’ ‘I wish more of my patients were as strong minded and as brave as you, Mr Marsh, ‘said the dentist admiringly. ‘Now, which tooth is it?’ Dentist Puns and One Liner Jokes: There was a dentist who was convicted of incisor trading. I went to the dentist without lunch, and he gave me a plate. No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation. I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill. Contemplating my imminent root canal procedure was deeply unnerving. I got a gold filling and put my money where my mouth is. Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too. My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in. My dentist would simply not stop working on my teeth. He was abscessive compulsive. A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail. Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth clean. The dentist put braces on his patient as a stop-gap measure. Dental care in Panama is called a route canal. For the orthodontist visit, the boy had to brace himself. I got my job at the dentist's office by word of mouth. They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns. The dentist's alibi was full of holes, so the police performed a cavity search. A dentist gets on everybody's nerves. Funny Dentist Jokes: Q: What does the dentist of the year get? A: A little plaque Q: At what time do most people go to the dentist? A: At tooth-hurty (2:30). Q: What does a dentist do on a roller coaster? A: He braces himself Q: What did the dentist say to the computer? A: This won't hurt a byte Q: What did the dentist see at the North Pole? A: A molar bear Q: What was the dentist doing in Panama? A: Looking for the Root Canal! Funny Dentist Jokes Some people may be nervous about visiting the dentist. In fact, some feel terrified. No worries though, your dentist will do their best to make you feel comfortable and help keep your teeth healthy. If you still feel anxious, ease your fear with laughter from some dental humor. — Q: Why did the king go to the dentist? A: To get his teeth crowned. — Q: Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? A: Dracula’s dentist — Q: What did the tooth say to the departing dentist? A: “Fill me in when you get back.” — Q: Why didn’t the dentist ask his secretary out? A: Because he was already taking a tooth out. — Q: What does an orthodontist do during an earthquake? A: Braces herself. — Q: What was the dentist doing in Panama? A: Looking for a root canal. — Q: What did the tooth say to the departing dentist? A: “Fill me in when you get back.” — Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer? A: “You have a hole in one.” — Q: What did the dentist say to the computer? A: “This won’t hurt a byte.” — Q: Why do dentists like potatoes? A: Because they’re so filling.
Best of Marriage Jokes If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in. Best of Marriage Jokes As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did." Best of Marriage Jokes A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. ‘What’s up?’ says the driver. ‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman. ‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’ Best of Marriage Jokes Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. Best of Marriage Jokes A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life." Best of Marriage Jokes Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it." Best of Marriage Jokes Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?" "I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny." "That's not going to work." "Why not?" "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again." Best of Marriage Jokes Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose' Best of Marriage Jokes A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years." "That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!" Best of Marriage Jokes The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!" Best of Marriage Jokes A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives." His wife said, 'Thank you.' Best of Marriage Jokes A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.” Funny marriage one liners If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep Funny marriage one liners Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Beer, Wine and Alcohol Jokes Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of Heineken instead of one. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a bottle of wine? A: The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand! Q: Why was Tequila invented? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex! Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A: Nothing Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit! Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Johnny Walker? A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Johnny Walker. Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast? A: Because it does not have to stop to change color. Q: Why are Men like coolers? A: Load them with Budweiser, and you can take them anywhere! Unlike milk, it's okay to cry over spilled wine! Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him? A: Nothing, he just let out a little wine. Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? A: Four guys drinking Coors Light and watching a football game! My girlfriend is a wine connoisseur. If it's not one thing she's whining about, it's something else. Q: What does a shot of Tequila and a woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense! Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey? A. So the Irish would never rule the world!
English Whatsapp Jokes , Funny WhatsApp Jokes in English, best collection of WhatsApp Jokes in English, English Whatsapp #Jokes Funny Jokes in English The Ugliest Baby A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.” Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter? A: An envelope. Anna: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week. Ben: That's impossible. Whose baby? Anna: An elephant's. A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn't. Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn't speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk? Officer: Yes, you would. Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think. Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk! Funny English Joke: Before the problems start! A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!" Funny English Joke: Twins A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” Couple in a Restaurant - English Joke Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant… As the food was served, Husband said: “The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.” Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home. Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook. Wife wants to relax today! Wife: Today, I want to relax, so I have brought three movie tickets. Husband: why three tickets? Wife: you and your parents. Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons." Accidents outside work place Employee: Boss, I’ve got married. Can I get a pay rise? Boss: We do not compensate for the accidents that happen outside of the work place. English Joke: Wife Wanted A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday. ————————- Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. ————————- A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.” ————————- My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?” ————————- The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’ The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’ The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’ ————————- A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!” ————————- Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. ————————- Patient: Doctor! You’ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please! ————————- Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” “You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. ————————- Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that’s okay. The soup isn’t hot. English Whatsapp Jokes , Funny WhatsApp Jokes in English, best collection of WhatsApp Jokes in English “No I just wanted to make sure u got my 1st message.” Husband sent a text to wife at night, “Hi I will get late,…
The Funniest One-Liner Jokes, Here are the funniest One Liner Jokes, A Collection of Funny One-Liners to Make You Laugh 1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer. 5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. 6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. 7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong. 10. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. 13. War does not determine who is right – only who is left. 14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 16. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 17. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 18. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 19. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 20. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. 21. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong… 22. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 23. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. 24. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. 25. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
50 funniest jokes of all time, Best all time jokes The Top 50: 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it. 49. A seal walks into a club... 48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.' 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. 42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". ' 39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" ' 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"' Tommy Cooper's surreal non-sequiturs still raise a laugh today 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". ' 34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" ' 31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". ' 30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. 29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" ' 28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." ' 27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. 25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".' 24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" ' 23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" ' 22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace. 21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" ' 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. 19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".' 18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that." 17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". ' 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" ' 14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." ' 13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". ' 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. ' THE TOP 10 10. 'A man walks into…
Discover the Best Funny friendship one liners Short jokes Check the best funny one liners – short funny sayings which you may use in your stand ups show, talking with friends, parties, informal public speeches. The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone". Nothing makes you happier than your friend’s failure. Friends come and go. Enemies pile up. You don’t have to have friends; you just have to be friends with them. My friend’s friend is my friend. My friend’s girlfriend is my friend. My friend’s boyfriend is just a scum. I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups. Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you. A friend is like a book: you don’t need to read all of them, just pick the best ones. I would like to know when someone unfriends me on Facebook, so I could like it. It’s a pleasure to see you and another – not to see. Loneliness is when you get an e-mail but it’s from the newsgroup server. ‘Are you threatening me?’ ‘It depends, if you got scared – yes I am; if not – I’m only warning you…’ I found out about you from my last nightmare. Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business? I like the sound of you not talking. Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together. Marilyn Monroe I’m not a Facebook status, you don’t have to like me. I don‘t care what was said about me. Just tell me why they were so comfortable to say it to you. I found your nose in my business again. Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name. Don’t tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you. If you can’t get someone out of your head then maybe they’re supposed TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically. Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera. One Line Friendship Status for Whatsapp Here are some best lines about True friendship and friends. Friendship the strong relation between two friends. It is the relation which destiny decides you to meet each other. A true friend will surely find a reason to love you even when you have done something that you cannot mend….! Don’t count how many new friends you can make. Count how many old friends you can keep. The most important part about reaching the highest point in friendship.. isn’t getting to the top, it’s staying there. It’s not an achievement to make 100 friends in a year…but an achievement is when you make a friend for 100 years…!!! Friendship is not a big fire which burns all day…It’s a small lamp, that burns till the last day of life.!!! Being a friend is not just sharing a joke..a conversation, a cup of coffee or a funny story. It means sharing an honest and true part of yourself…!!! Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born…!!! There is a gift that gold cannot buy a blessing that’s rare and true… That’s the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend I have in you…!!!! A true friend is the one who knows more about you than yourself and still loves you…!!!! FRiEND in different languages… Iranian – DOST German – FREUND Herbew – CHAVERO French- AMi Pinoy – KAiBiGAN Dutch – VREND Mexican – AMiGO For me.. just simply “YOU” Friendship is not the collection of hearts but it is selection of hearts All friends are not true But true friends are very few which include YOU. If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn’t jump with them, I would be at the bottom to catch them Another month, another year. . Another smile, another tear. . Another winter and another summer too But there can never be another you. A single candle can illuminate an entire room. A true friend lights up an entire lifetime. Thanks for the bright lights of your friendship. Friendship Day Messages This Friendship Day honour your friends and let them know how special they are to you with a cute and heartfelt Friendship Day Message. If you open my heart, guess what u r gonna see? It's U. True friends are hard to find so I kept u. FRIENDSHIP isn’t how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!! HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY!! If u r a chocolate ur the sweetest, if u r a Teddy Bear u r the most huggable, If u r a Star u r the Brightest, and since u r my "FRIEND" u r the "BEST"!!!!!!!!! I thank and praise god for every memory of yours You are stalwart and sunshine in the valley of life May god continues to strengthen you with might May He lights your path in every alley or night And bless you with grace that is never ceasing. Sometimes, I forget to say hi, Sometimes, I even miss to reply, Sometimes, my message doesn't reach you, But, it doesn't mean that I forget you, I just giving you time to miss me!
Funny Quotes, Thoughts and One-Liners! Funny One Liner Jokes If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out. I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato. I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook." Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood. I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect." Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems. People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've got diarrhea is better. Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now... Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola. "Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company. If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh? Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to...Unless you're in prison! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons. If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved. Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I'm driving, it scares the crap out of me. Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping. If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs. Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid? I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better... they worship cows. If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do. Don't be racist, be like Super Mario. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican. Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection! I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Marriage one liners, one liners joke, short joke, marraige joke Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin) My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose' I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me. My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. hat's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. You should argue with your wife only when she's not around. My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life. You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended. It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it.