Best of Marriage Jokes

Best of Marriage Jokes

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.

 

Best of Marriage Jokes

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!” Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I…I…didn’t pinch that girl.” “Of course you didn’t” said his wife, consolingly. “I did.”

 

Best of Marriage Jokes

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. ‘What’s up?’ says the driver. ‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman. ‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

 

Best of Marriage Jokes

Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 

Best of Marriage Jokes

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, “Why do you look so excited?” The groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.” The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, “Why do you look so excited?” The bride replies, “I just gave the last blow job of my entire life.”

Best of Marriage Jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. “Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said. “Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.” The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. “What did the doctor say?” he asked. “I’m sorry, m’dear,” she said, “but he said you’re not going to make it.”

 

Best of Marriage Jokes

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy’s stomach last night?” “I have to do that, or Daddy’s belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.” “That’s not going to work.” “Why not?” “Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again.”

 

Best of Marriage Jokes

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’

 

Best of Marriage Jokes

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong. “Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.” “Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.” “That’s not the problem, ” the groom says. “She gave me $20 change!”

Best of Marriage Jokes

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: “What part of the human body increases to 10 times it’s normal size when excited?” Jessica responds: “That’s disgusting! I don’t have to answer that question!” So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: “That’s easy…the pupil of the eye.” “That’s correct, Johnny. Very good!” And turning to Jessica, she says: “I’ve three things to say to you, young lady… first, you didn’t do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you’re in for a big disappointment!”

 

Best of Marriage Jokes

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, “Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who’s a total dope! I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives.” His wife said, ‘Thank you.’

 

Best of Marriage Jokes

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

 

Funny marriage one liners

If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep

 

Funny marriage one liners

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

 

Funny marriage one liners

Marriage one liners, one liners joke, short joke, marraige joke

  • Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

  • Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

  • The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it

  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburettor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’  She said, ‘In the lake.’

  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  • Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both.

  • Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.

  • Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’

  • I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

  • What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

  • I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.

  • My wife is a light eater … as soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.

  • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.

  • A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’.  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.

  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

  • Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

  • A husband said to his wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.

  • A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, ‘OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.

  • How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

  • A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

  • The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

  • hat’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

  • My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

  • You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.

  • My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.

  • My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

  • Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended.

  • It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.

  • I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

  • I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.