Funny marriage one liners

Marriage one liners, one liners joke, short joke, marraige joke

  • Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

  • Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

  • The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it

  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburettor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’  She said, ‘In the lake.’

  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  • Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both.

  • Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.

  • Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’

  • I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

  • What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

  • I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.

  • My wife is a light eater … as soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.

  • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.

  • A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’.  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.

  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

  • Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

  • A husband said to his wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.

  • A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, ‘OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.

  • How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

  • A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

  • The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

  • hat’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

  • My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

  • You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.

  • My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.

  • My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

  • Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended.

  • It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.

  • I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

  • I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.