Funny Quotes, Thoughts and One-Liners! Funny One Liner Jokes If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out. I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato. I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook." Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood. I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect." Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems. People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've got diarrhea is better. Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now... Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola. "Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company. If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh? Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to...Unless you're in prison! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons. If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved. Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I'm driving, it scares the crap out of me. Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping. If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs. Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid? I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better... they worship cows. If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do. Don't be racist, be like Super Mario. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican. Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection! I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Weight Matters A wife walks into the bathroom. Her husband is standing on the scale, sucking in his gut. She knows he’s trying to lose weight. She says, “Honey, I doubt if that’s going to help.” He replies, “Of course it helps. This way I can see the numbers.”
Marriage one liners, one liners joke, short joke, marraige joke Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin) My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose' I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me. My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. hat's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. You should argue with your wife only when she's not around. My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life. You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended. It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it.
Intelligent Student ka dhansu jawaab टीचर छात्र से: आयात और निर्यात का एक अच्छा सा उदाहरण बताओ. छात्र: सोनिया गांधी और सानिया मिर्ज़ा.. टीचर: तुम्हारे चरण कहाँ हैं बेटा । Gaanv ke School ke bachche गाँव के एक विद्यालय से…. अध्यापक: 15th अगस्त को हमे क्या मिली थी ? छात्र: माड़साहब….”नुक्ति” ………. अगर सही जवाब आपको भी नह पता, तो मैं बताता हूँ! – आज़ादी When Raju asked his friend Ramu to tell the exam result in code words – (Very funny joke in Hindi) Raju ne apne dost Ramu se kahaa – “yaar tu college se mera result dekh kar aana aur mujhe ghar par aakar bataa jaana, par dekh, ghar par mere mommy-papa honge isliye, agar main 1 subject mein fail hua to kehna – Jai Shri Ram agar main 2 subject mein fail hua to kehna – Jai Shri Krishna agar main 3 subject mein fail hua to kehna – Brahma Vishnu Mahesh kee Jai … Bas main samajh jaauunga … OK ! . . Shaam ko Ramu result dekh kar Raju ke ghar aaya aur bola – “BOLO SAARE DEVI-DEVTAAO KI JAI !” Bhopali Student Answers in the class Madam – Surya ke paas kaunsa planet hai ? Bhopali Student – Ek minute bata riya hoon … Madam – Jaldi bataao ? Bhopali Student – Bata riya hoon, Mar-Kyuun-Ree (Mercury) hai ? Madam – Shabash, Baith jaao … Netaji Ka beta Medical College Mein Ek netaji ke bete ka admission medical college mein ho gaya. Pahle hi din professor ne poochha – “agar koi vyakti behosh ho jaaye to kya karoge ?” Netaji ka beta – “use thoda paani pilaane kee koshish karuunga …” Professor – “aur agar paani na mile to ?” Netaji ka beta – “to aashvaasan hee de duunga ki tumhe jaldi hi paani pilaya jaayega … !”
Bahu ka Affair Bahu Ka Pahila Affair Sunne Ke Baad Sasur Ne Bahu Ko Mara! Dusra Afair Pata Lagne Par Pati Ne Mara Lekin Saas Har Bar Chup Rahi Kyun?? Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi..!! ——————————————– Pagal Bahu Saas Bahu Se:Aaj Se Tum Muje MAA Or Saaur Ko PAPA Kehna Bahu:Samajh Gai Sham Ko uska Pati Ghar Aya 2 Boli: Maa! Bhaiyya Ghar Aa gaye hai.. ——————————————– Saas ki kamjor aankhe Saas (bahu se): Bhagwan ne tumhe 2-2 aankhe di. Chawal me se 2-4 pathhar nahi nikal sakti kya. Bahu: Very funny! Bhagwan ne tumhe 32 daant diye 2-4 pathhar bhi nahi chaba sakti ? ——————————————– Bahu ka Saas se sawal Dekho Saasu maa Sabhi kahte hai yeh tumare ghar ki bahu hai !! Koi yeh kyun nahi kahta ki yeh tumare ghar ki bahu ks ghar hai
Ek Admi Ne Apni Saas Ke paas Saanp ko Baithe Dekha Aadmi-Meri Saas Ko Dass Lo. Saanp-Abay Kya Dass loon Main To Khud Is Se Zehar EASY LOAD Kerwane Aata Hoon. शादी के बाद पहली बार बहू रसोई मे गई और रेसिपी बुक में पढ़कर खाना बना रही थी । सास बाहर से घर लौटी, फ्रिज खोला, अन्दर देखकर चकराई और पूछा: "ये मन्दिर का घण्टा फ्रिज में क्यों रखा है ?" बहू : "किताब में लिखा है, सब चीजों का मिश्रण कर लें और एक घण्टा फ्रिज में रखें ।" 😄😂 Another graduate from IIN..
SANTA:Lalaji dettol soap hai, Lala:ha, santa:acha vala hai, Lala:ha, Santa: achi quality ka hai, Lala:ha bhai ha, Santa: thik hai hath dhokr 1kg aata do.. Santa: Sharab pite pite rone laga Banta: Kya hua kyo ro rahe ho? Santa: Yaar ki kara jis ladki ko bhulane k liye pi raha tha,uska naam yaad nhi aa raha hai Santa 2 doctor-apne kaha tha ki subah khelne se sehat thik rehti hai pr muje to koi fark nai pada? doctor-konsa game khelteho? santa-mobile mai snake wala Banta Cigratte pe 2 metre pipe laga kr pe raha tha. Santa : Tu pipe laga kar cig Q pe raha hai Banta: Doctor ne kaha, Cig-Bidi se dur rehna.
अक्ल बाटने लगे विधाता, लंबी लगी कतारें । सभी आदमी खड़े हुए थे, कहीं नहीं थी नारें । सभी नारियाँ कहाँ रह गई. था ये अचरज भारी । पता चला ब्यूटी पार्लर में, पहुँच गई थी सारी। मेकअप की थी गहन प्रक्रिया, एक एक पर भारी । बैठी थीं कुछ इंतजार में, कब आएगी बारी । उधर विधाता ने पुरूषों में, अक्ल बाँट दी सारी । ब्यूटी पार्लर से फुर्सत पाकर, जब पहुँची सब नारी । बोर्ड लगा था स्टॉक ख़त्म है, नहीं अक्ल अब बाकी । रोने लगी सभी महिलाएं , नींद खुली ब्रह्मा की । पूछा कैसा शोर हो रहा है, ब्रह्मलोक के द्वारे ? पता चला कि स्टॉक अक्लका, पुरुष ले गए सारे । ब्रह्मा जी ने कहा देवियों , बहुत देर कर दी है । जितनीभी थी अक्ल वो मैंने, पुरुषों में भर दी है । लगी चीखने महिलाये , ये कैसा न्याय तुम्हारा? कुछ भी करो हमें तो चाहिए. आधा भाग हमारा । पुरुषो में शारीरिक बल है, हम ठहरी अबलाएं । अक्ल हमारे लिए जरुरी , निज रक्षा कर पाएं । सोचकर दाढ़ी सहलाकर , तब बोले ब्रह्मा जी । एक वरदान तुम्हे देता हूँ , अब हो जाओ राजी । थोड़ी सी भी हँसी तुम्हारी , रहे पुरुष पर भारी । कितना भी वह अक्लमंद हो, अक्ल जायेगी मारी । एक औरत ने तर्क दिया, मुश्किल बहुत होती है। हंसने से ज्यादा महिलाये, जीवन भर रोती है । ब्रह्मा बोले यही कार्य तब, रोना भी कर देगा । औरत का रोना भी नर की, अक्ल हर लेगा । एक अधेड़ बोली बाबा , हंसना रोना नहीं आता । झगड़े में है सिद्धहस्त हम, खूब झगड़ना भाता । ब्रह्मा बोले चलो मान ली, यह भी बात तुम्हारी । झगडे के आगे भी नर की, अक्ल जायेगी मारी । ब्रह्मा बोले सुनो ध्यान से, अंतिम वचन हमारा । तीन शस्त्र अब तुम्हे दिए. पूरा न्याय हमारा । इन अचूक शस्त्रों में भी, जो मानव नहीं फंसेगा ।निश्चित समझो, उसका घर नहीं बसेगा । कहे कवि मित्र ध्यान से, सुन लो बात हमारी । बिना अक्ल के भी होती है, नर पर नारी भारी।
1- Whatsapp group mein maun rehkar, Sirf messages padhne walo ke liye Zabardast offer!!!… Bhootpurva PradhanMantri Shri Manmohan Singh ji Apna whatsapp group bana rahe hain.. . Kripaya turant JOIN kar lein!!! “First come first serve only!” 2- Admin jalebi bech raha tha, lekin bola raha tha.. “Aaloo le lo aaloo” Santa: Yeh to jalebi hai.. Admin : Abe chup ho ja, warna makkhiya aa jayegi! Intelligent hai na apna Admin!!