50 funniest jokes of all time, Best all time jokes

 

50 funniest jokes of all time, Best all time jokes

 

The Top 50:

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it. 

49. A seal walks into a club…

48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.      

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’   

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.      

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

40. ‘I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said “Eurostar?” I said, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”. ‘  

39. ‘My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?’ “I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” ‘  

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

37.’ I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”‘      

Tommy Cooper’s surreal non-sequiturs still raise a laugh today

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.    

35. ‘I went down the local supermarket, I said, “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”. ‘     

34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

32. ‘Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”  ‘

31. ‘So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. ‘    

30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.   

29. ‘I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?” ‘   

28. ‘A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” ‘  

27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

25. ‘The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said “Did you get my drift?”.’

24. ‘A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here” ‘

23. ‘A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”  ‘

22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

21. ‘A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” ‘

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.     

19. ‘I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.’  
18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

17. ‘When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. ‘    

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.      

15. ‘There’s two fish in a tank, and one says to the other “How do you drive this thing?” ‘

14. ‘A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” ‘         

13. ‘I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one”. ‘

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 

11. ‘I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. ‘

THE TOP 10

10. ‘A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”  ‘

9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.    

7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

5.  ‘I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”‘

4. ‘A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!” ‘.

3. ‘Dyslexic man walks into a bra…’

2. ‘I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.’

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’ The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’ The man says: ‘You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’

Best Husband Wife Jokes > Read Husband Wife Jokes

Top 20 Husband Wife jokes in Hindi. Best jokes on Husband and Wife in Hindi.

 

Platform par dher saara samaan liye khadi ek aurat se coolie ne puchha:

Madam, Coolie chahiye?

Aurat ne badi vinamrata ke sath jawab diya:

Nahin bhaiya, Mere pati mere saath hain!!


Husband: Meri shirt ulti karke press karna.
Wife: Ok.After 10 minutesHusband: Meri shirt press ki?
Wife: Nahi…

Husband: Kyun?
Wife: Ulti nahin aa rahi hai!


 

Pati: Priye, Kya tum mere sath Yoga Class chalna pasand karogi?
Patni: Tum kehna kya chahte ho, main kya moti ho gayi hoon?Pati: Koi baat nahin, Ichcha nahi hai to mat chalo.
Patni: Matlab main aalsi hoon?Pati: Arey tum gussa kyun kar rahi ho?
Patni: Matlab main hamesha jhagadti hoon!

Pati: arey maine aisa kab bola?
Patni: Matlab ki main jhoothi hoon!

Pati: achcha baba, Main nahin jaata hoon!
Patni: Main sab samajthi hoon, Darasal, tum le jana hi nahin chahte the…

Pati ne chup rehne mein bhalaayi samjhi aur phir so gaya!


 

Wife ambulance ko 108 per call karti hai.Operator: Aapko kya samasya hai?
Wife: Mere pair ki ungli coffee table se takra gayi hai.Operator: haste hue aur iske liye aap ambulance bulana chahati hain.
Wife: Nahi, ambulance to mere pati ke liye hai, use hasna nahi chahiye tha naa..


 

Biwi ko samjhna matlab:32 GB ka koi ek Video
2G network par download karna..aur 31.95 GB download
hone ke baad….

Aakhir mein error dikhnaa!!!

means…. Impossible!!!


 

Bhari Sardi mein Biwi Bathroom Se Naha Ke Nikli To Uska Pati Use Ghoor Raha Tha!Biwi Romantic Hokar Boli: Kya Iraada Hai?

Pati Ne 2 Thappad Maare aur Bola “Mere Garam Pani Se Kyu Nahayi”


 

Apna Baccha roye, toh dil me dard hota hai.
Aur doosre ka roye, toh sir me!Apni Biwi roye, toh sir me dard hota hai.
Aur doosre ki roye, toh dil me!Sab prabhu ki maya hai!


 

Wife: Janu kya main tumhare sapnon me aati hu.
Husband: Nahi.
Wife: Kyun?
Husband: Main “hanuman chalisa” padh kar sota hun!


Wife:Agar meri shaadi kisi ‘Raakshas’ se bhi ho jaati
to bhi main itni pareshan nahin hoti,
jitni main tumhare saath hoon!Husband:
Arrey pagli, Blood relation mein shaadiya kaha hoti hai?Wife trolled!


 

Assistant: “Sir, Aap Office Mein Shadi-Shuda Aadmiyon Ko Hi Kyu Rakhte Ho?”Boss: “Kyunki Unhe Beizzati Sehne Ki Aadat Hoti Hai Aur Ghar Jane Ki Jaldi Bhi Nahi Hoti”


 

Indian wife sanskaro wali hoti hai
Wo kabhi sabke samne apne pati ko“Abe Gadhe” aur
“Oye Gadhe” ya
“Sun Gadhe”nahi bolti

Isliye wo short me
“A.G. / O.G./ Suno G” Kehti hain..


 

Shaadi ki function chal raha tha..Pati apni patni ke sath waha pahuncha,
Thodi der baad patni ne dekha ki wo kisi mahila se hans-hans kar baat kar raha hai..Patni ne paas aakar kaha: Main ghar pahunch kar, tumhari Garam paani ki sikaayi kar ke Iodex laga dungi!!

Pati: Par mujhe chot kaha lagi hai?

Patni: Abhi hum ghar bhi kaha pahunche hain? :-)


 

“Apni khud ki galatiyo par hansna aapki umra badha sakta hai!”
– Shakespeare“Apni biwi ki galatiyo par hansna aapki umra Ghata bhi sakta hai!”
– Shakespeare ki Biwi


 

A man came home late at night after a party.His Wife yelled:how would you feel if you don’t see me for two days?

The man couldnt believe his luck, “That Would Be Great” he said.

Monday Passed And He Didnt See Her!
Tuesday And Wednesday Passed Too !!
On Thursday his Swelling became Better
And Now He Could See Her From The
Corner Of One Eye……


 

Biwi ne namaaz padhkar dua ke liye haath uthaye, par kuchh nahin manga aur haath neeche kar liye!Shauhar yeh sab dekh raha tha, to puchh baitha..
“Yeh kya? Dua kyun nahin maangi?”Biwi: Maangne hi lagi thi ki “Allah aapki tamaam mushkile khatam kar de”
Phir socha, Kahin main hi na mar jaaun!


 

Pati: Aaj khane me kya banaogi?
Biwi: Jo tum kaho…Pati: Daal chawal banao
Biwi: Abhi kal hi to khaye thePati: To sabji bana lo
Biwi: Bahcche nahi khate

Pati: fir keema?
Biwi: mujhe allergy hai

Pati: Parantha?
Biwi: Raat ko paranthe kaun khata hai?

Pati: Kadhi?
Biwi: Dahi nahi hai

Pati: Fir kya banaogi?
Biwi: JO TUM KAHO!


 

Young Boy:
After 70 years, you still address your wife as Darling, Love, Honey!
Whats the secret?Old man:
Her name slipped from my mind 10 years ago!
And i’m scared to ask, what it is?


 

Harr Biwi Ki DuaYa Khuda Mere shohar Ko

Tarakki De

Dolat de

Bangla De

Mujhe Kuchh Nahi Chahiye..

Tu Sab Mere shohar Ko de

BAKi….

Unse lena mera kaam hai 😀


 

Pati Patni Mein Zabardast Jhagda Ho Raha Tha,Patni: Kash Main Apni Mom KiBaat Maan Leti Aur Tum Se Shadi Na Karti

Pati: Kya Matlab? Tumhari Maa Ne Mujh Se Shadi Karne Ko Mana Kiya Tha?

Patni: Haan, Bahut Baar…

Pati Rote Hue Bola: Hey Bhagwan, Main Aaj Tak Uss Nek Aurat Ko Kitna Bura Samjhta Raha Jisne Mujhe Bachana Chaha…

 

Hindi Joke: Chalaak Buddha aur Sharab ka Bar – Hindi Chutkula

Hindi Joke: Chalaak Buddha aur Sharab ka Bar – Hindi Chutkula

शराब के उस बार के सामने एक छोटा सा तालाब था।

झमाझम बारिश हो रही थी और
उस बारिश में पूरा भीगा हुआ एक बुजुर्ग आदमी एक छड़ी पकड़े था
जिससे बँधा धागा तालाब के पानी में डूबा हुआ था।

एक राहगीर ने उससे पूछा: “क्या कर रहे हो बाबा ?”

बुजुर्ग: “मछली पकड़ रहा हूँ।”

राहगीर बारिश में भीगे उस बुजुर्ग को देख बहुत दुखी हुआ, बोला:
“बाबा, मैं बार में व्हिस्की पीने जा रहा हूँ।
आओ तुम्हें भी एक पैग पिलाता हूँ।
ऐंसे तो तुम्हे सर्दी लग जायेगी। आओ अंदर चलें। ”

बार के गर्म माहौल में बुजुर्ग के साथ व्हिस्की पीते महाशय ने बुजुर्ग से पूछा:
“हाँ तो, बाबा, आज कितनी मछलियाँ फसीं ?”

बुजुर्ग बोला” तुम आठवीं मछली हो, बेटा! “

 

Ramu Naukar Best Hindi WhatsApp Jokes

Ramu Naukar Best Hindi WhatsApp Jokes 

रामू जिस घर में काम करता था, उस घर के मालिक की व्हिस्की की बोतल से एक-दो पैग चुराकर पी लेना और फिर उतना ही पानी बोतल में मिला देना, उसकी आदत थी।मालिक को उसपर शक था लेकिन फिर भी उसने कुछ नहीं कहा।

लेकिन जब ये रोज की ही बात हो गई तो एक दिन जब मालिक अपनी पत्नी के साथ ड्राइंग रूम में बैठा था, उसने वहीं से अपने नौकर रामू को जोर से आवाज लगाई जो किचन में खाना बना रहा था।

मालिक(चिल्लाकर)—” रामू….”

रामू(किचन से)—” हाँ….मालिक ? ”

मालिक—” मेरी बोतल से किसने व्हिस्की निकालकर पी और फिर पानी मिला दिया है ? ”

किचन से कोई जवाब नहीं मिला।

मालिक ने फिर अपना प्रश्न दोहराया लेकिन कोई जवाब नहीं मिला।

मालिक बेहद गुस्से में किचन में पहुँचा और रामू पर चिल्लाया—” ये क्या हो रहा है ? मैंने जब तेरा नाम लिया तो तूने जवाब दिया लेकिन जब मैंने फिर कुछ पूछा, फिर दोबारा पूछा तो तू जवाब नहीं दे रहा। क्यों ?? ”

रामू—” वो ऐंसा है मालिक, कि, इस किचन में आपको आपका सिर्फ नाम ही सुनाई देता है, और कुछ नहीं। ”

मालिक—” ये कैसे संभव है ? ठीक है, मैं तुझे गलत साबित करता हूँ। तू जा और ड्राइंग रूम में मालकिन के पास जाकर मुझे आवाज लगा और फिर कुछ और भी पूछ। मैं यहाँ किचन में सुनता हूँ। ”

रामू ड्राइंग रूम में मालकिन के पास गया और वहाँ से मालिक को पुकारा—” मालिक…..”

मालिक( किचन से )—” हाँ….. रामू ? ”

रामू—” अपने घर की नौकरानी को मोबाइल किसने दिलाया ? ”

किचन से कोई जवाब नहीं मिला।

रामू ने अगला प्रश्न किया,

रामू—” और फिर नौकरानी के साथ लांग ड्राइव पर कौन गया था ? ”

कोई जवाब नहीं।

मालिक किचन से ड्राइंग रूम में आया और बोला,

मालिक—” तू सही बोल रहा है रामू।

अगर कोई किचन में हो तो उसे पुकारा गया अपना नाम ही बस सुनाई देता है और कुछ नहीं। अजब चमत्कार है , भाई..!!! “

Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this small TV,” he told the salesman. “Sorry, we don’t sell to Sardars,” he replied.

He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to Sardars,” Salesman replied. “Damn, he recognised me,” he thought.

He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again. “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to Sardars,” he replied.

Frustrated, he exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a Sardar?” “Because that’s a microwave,” he replied. !Smile

Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object

Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?” The clerk replies, “That is a Thermos flask.”

The Sardar asks, “What does it do?” The clerk responds, “Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The Sardar says, “I’ll take it!” The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos. His Sardar boss sees him and asks, “What is that shiny object with you?”

He said, “It’s a Thermos flask.” The boss asks, “What does it do?” He replies, “Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The boss said, “Wow, what do you have in it?” The Sardar replies, “Two cups of coffee and a coke.”

Just Jokes

  • A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office”? “I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill”. The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. Open-mouthed smile

 

  • Once a preacher was preaching on the theme: I am coming – The final coming of Christ. The church was full and some people were even seated right in front of the pulpit. Unfortunately, at times the priest suffered from memory loss. At one point, he spoke in the person of Christ: “I am coming!” but just then his memory failed him. He couldn’t proceed. He repeated, “I am coming! But still no success. To hide his embarrassment, he hit the railing of the pulpit and shouted once again “I am coming!”. to the horror of al, the railing gave way, and he landed in the lap of a lady sitting below. As the priest apologized to her, she excused him saying: Father, it is not at all your fault. I should have been more careful. In fact you said three times ‘I am coming’.

 

  • A dieticians was addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or probably will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “The Wedding cake.”

 

  • A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that “JONAH” was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, “What if JONAH went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

 

  • A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old. After explaining the commandment to “HONOR” thy Father and thy mother,” she asked, “is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

 

  • An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother. “It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

 

  • A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

 

  • The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or, ‘that’s Michael. He’s a doctor.” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

 

  • A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet aren’t empty

 

  • Paul: I am late, teacher, I overslept.

         Teacher: what? You mean to say you sleep at home also?

         Teacher (to parent): Rahul is naughty and deserve punishment.

         Parent: Please do not punish Rahul, he is very sensitive. Just slap the boy next to him-he will get the message.

  • On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

 

  • The Lord got so tired of a certain man’s prayers that He appeared to him one day and said: “I have decided to give you any three things you ask for. After that I won’t give you anything else.” Happily the man made his first petition at once. He asked that his wife should die so that he could marry a younger woman. His petition was granted. But when his friends gathered for the funeral, they began to recall all the good qualities of his wife, and the man realized that he had made a terrible mistake. So he asked the Lord to bring her back to life. He did that left the man with only one petition left. He was determined not to make a mistake this time, because he would have not chance to correct it. He consulted wisely. Some of his friends told him to ask for immortality. But others said: “What good is immortality if you don’t have good health? And of what use is good health, if you have no money? And of what use is money, if you have no friends?” Years passed, and he could not make up his mind what he should ask for: life or health or power or love. Finally, he said to the Lord: “Please advise me what to ask for.” The Lord laughed and said: “Ask to be contented no matter what life brings you.”

 

  • A policeman stopped the parish priest who was riding through the town at night on a bicycle without light. “I’m sorry. Father, but the fine is Rs 5/- said the policeman. “But, my son,” protested the priest, “nothing can happen to me, for the Lord is travelling with me”. “What, exclaimed the policeman, “two people on the same bicycle? Then, Rs. 10/-, please”.

 

  • The parish priest always preached very long and very loud. Nobody had the courage to confront him except the big-mouth of the town. She goes to him to complain: “Father, you preach so loud, I don’t see why I should come to the church at all! I can hear you even from my house!” The priest replied, “Of course, you can do it and hear my sermon thus. And when it comes to Communion, you can also receive it staying in your house – you’ve got a such a long tongue!”

 

  • Sardarji is buying a TV. “Do you have colour TVs?” “Sure.” “Give me a green one, please.”

         Sardarji calls Air India. “How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?” “Just a sec,” says the rep. “Thank you.” says Sardar and hangs up.

        Sardarji is filling up a job application. He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED. After much thought he writes: Yes.

      Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes, if you bring me a pair of crocodile