Funny Quotes, Thoughts and One-Liners! Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny Quotes, Thoughts and One-Liners! Funny One Liner Jokes

 

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Relationships are like fat people… Most of them don’t work out.
I’m in shape… Unfortunately, it’s the shape of a potato.
I failed my driver’s test today. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?” I said “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”
Old people at weddings always poke me and say “you’re next”. So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems… unless you’re fat.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
I changed all my passwords to “incorrect”, so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, “Your password is incorrect.”
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you’ve got diarrhea is better.
Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 10 years in a row now…
Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
“Don’t kid yourself” would be a great slogan for a condom company.
If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh?
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to…Unless you’re in prison!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved.
Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I’m driving, it scares the crap out of me.
Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he’ll treat her better… they worship cows.
If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do.
Don’t be racist, be like Super Mario. He’s an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican.
Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it’s my own reflection!
I’m not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Best Happy Birthday Wishes Best Happy birthday quotes

Best Happy birthday quotes and sayings

  • I hope your special day will bring you lots of happiness, love and fun. You deserve them a lot. Enjoy!

 

  • Have a wonderful birthday. I wish your every day to be filled with lots of love, laughter, happiness and the warmth of sunshine.

 

  • May your coming year surprise you with the happiness of smiles, the feeling of love and so on. I hope you will find plenty of sweet memories to cherish forever. Happy birthday.

 

  • On your special day, I wish you good luck. I hope this wonderful day will fill up your heart with joy and blessings. Have a fantastic birthday, celebrate the happiness on every day of your life. Happy Birthday!!

 

  • May this birthday be filled with lots of happy hours and also your life with many happy birthdays, that are yet to come. Happy birthday.

 

  • Happy Birthday to a person that’s charming, talented and witty, and reminds me a lot of myself.

 

  • A birthday is a most special day in one’s life. Enjoy yours to its fullest.

 

 

  • It’s your birthday and you’re still just as beautiful, genuine and kind as the day I met you. Wishing you a Happy Birthday with gratitude.

 

  • My birthday wish for you is that you continue to love life and never stop dreaming. May beauty and happiness surround you, not only on your special day, but always.

 

  • Special day, special person and special celebration. May all your dreams and desires come true in this coming year. Happy birthday.

 

  • You are my true friend. You were always with me, you supported me, you boosted me up when I was down. Thanks for being such a friend of mine. Happy birthday.

 

  • Let your all the dreams to be on fire and light your birthday candles with that. Have a gorgeous birthday.

 

  • I wish you a wonderfulBirthday!! I hope you have an amazing day and lots of fun! Enjoy this day, you deserve it!

Best Birthday Messages Birthday Wishes Birthday SMS

Birthday Messages and Birthday Wishes and Birthday SMS

  • Celebrate your birthday today. Celebrate being Happy every day.
  • May your birthday and every day be filled with the warmth of sunshine, the happiness of smiles, the sounds of laughter, the feeling of love and the sharing of good cheer.
  • I hope you have a wonderful day and that the year ahead is filled with much love, many wonderful surprises and gives you lasting memories that you will cherish in all the days ahead. Happy Birthday.
  • On this special day, i wish you all the very best, all the joy you can ever have and may you be blessed abundantly today, tomorrow and the days to come! May you have a fantastic birthday and many more to come… HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
  • They say that you can count your true friends on 1 hand – but not the candles on your birthday cake! #1Happybirthday
  • May your birthday be filled with many happy hours and your life with many happy birthdays. HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!
  • So many candles for such a small cake? Happy Birthday.
  • Happy birthday! Enjoy this year and use it as a launchpad for your future!
  • Well, you are another year older and you haven’t changed a bit. That’s great because you are perfect just the way you are. Happy Birthday.
  • You are special and I hope that you float through the day with a big smile on your face. Happy Birthday!
  • Take a day off to celebrate you birthday. Take a year off and tell people you are younger. Happy Birthday.
  • Happy Birthday!!! I hope this is the beginning of your greatest, most wonderful year ever!
  • When the world works right, good things happen to and for good people and you are definitely good people. Happy Birthday!
  • Wishing you a day that is as special in every way as you are. Happy Birthday.
  • You have to get older, but you don’t have to grow up.
  • You are my friend. You are always there for me, supporting me, encouraging me , listening to me and all those other things that friends do. Happy Birthday Friend.
  • Set the world on fire with your dreams and use the flame to light a birthday candle. HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!
  • Thinking of you on your birthday, and wishing you all the best! I hope it is as fantastic as you are, you deserve the best and nothing less.
  • Wishing you all the great things in life, hope this day will bring you an extra share of all that makes you happiest. Happy Birthday.
  • I hope that you have the greatest birthday ever from the moment you open your eyes in the morning until they close late at night.
  • On this special day, I wish you all the very best, all the joy you can ever have and may you be blessed abundantly today, tomorrow and the days to come! May you have a fantastic birthday and many more to come… HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
  • They say you lose your memory as you grow older. I say forget about the past and live life to the fullest today. Start with ice cream. Happy Birthday.
  • Hope your birthday is totally cool, really funtastic, wonderful, exciting, majorly awesome, rocking and HAPPY. Happy Birthday wishes.
  • Hope you love your new age. It loves you because it looks good on you. Happy Birthday.
  • Be your own light. Find your own way. It should be easy with all those candles.

Funny marriage one liners

Marriage one liners, one liners joke, short joke, marraige joke

  • Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

  • Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

  • The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it

  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburettor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’  She said, ‘In the lake.’

  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  • Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both.

  • Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.

  • Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’

  • I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

  • What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

  • I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.

  • My wife is a light eater … as soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.

  • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.

  • A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’.  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.

  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

  • Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

  • A husband said to his wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.

  • A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, ‘OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.

  • How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

  • A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

  • The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

  • hat’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

  • My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

  • You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.

  • My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.

  • My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

  • Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended.

  • It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.

  • I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

  • I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.

Teacher Student Jokes, Hindi Teacher Student Jokes

Intelligent Student ka dhansu jawaab

टीचर छात्र से:
आयात और निर्यात का एक अच्छा सा उदाहरण बताओ.

छात्र:
सोनिया गांधी और सानिया मिर्ज़ा..

टीचर:
तुम्हारे चरण कहाँ हैं बेटा ।

 


Gaanv ke School ke bachche

गाँव के एक विद्यालय से….

अध्यापक: 15th अगस्त को हमे क्या मिली थी ?

छात्र: माड़साहब….”नुक्ति”

……….

अगर सही जवाब आपको भी नह पता,
तो मैं बताता हूँ!

– आज़ादी


When Raju asked his friend Ramu to tell the exam result in code words – (Very funny joke in Hindi)

Raju ne apne dost Ramu se kahaa – “yaar tu college se mera result dekh kar aana aur mujhe ghar par aakar bataa jaana,

par dekh, ghar par mere mommy-papa honge isliye,

agar main 1 subject mein fail hua to kehna – Jai Shri Ram

agar main 2 subject mein fail hua to kehna – Jai Shri Krishna

agar main 3 subject mein fail hua to kehna – Brahma Vishnu Mahesh kee Jai …

Bas main samajh jaauunga … OK !

.

.

Shaam ko Ramu result dekh kar Raju ke ghar aaya aur bola – “BOLO SAARE DEVI-DEVTAAO KI JAI !”


 

Bhopali Student Answers in the class

Madam – Surya ke paas kaunsa planet hai ?

Bhopali Student – Ek minute bata riya hoon …

Madam – Jaldi bataao ?

Bhopali Student – Bata riya hoon, Mar-Kyuun-Ree (Mercury) hai ?

Madam – Shabash, Baith jaao …


Netaji Ka beta Medical College Mein

Ek netaji ke bete ka admission medical college mein ho gaya.

Pahle hi din professor ne poochha – “agar koi vyakti behosh ho jaaye to kya karoge ?”

Netaji ka beta – “use thoda paani pilaane kee koshish karuunga …”

Professor – “aur agar paani na mile to ?”

Netaji ka beta – “to aashvaasan hee de duunga ki tumhe jaldi hi paani pilaya jaayega … !”

 


 

Bahu ka Affair

Bahu ka Affair

Bahu Ka Pahila Affair Sunne Ke Baad Sasur Ne Bahu Ko Mara!
Dusra Afair Pata Lagne Par Pati Ne Mara
Lekin Saas Har Bar Chup Rahi Kyun??

Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi..!!
——————————————–

Pagal Bahu

Saas Bahu Se:Aaj Se Tum Muje MAA Or Saaur Ko PAPA Kehna
Bahu:Samajh Gai
Sham Ko uska Pati Ghar Aya 2 Boli:

Maa! Bhaiyya Ghar Aa gaye hai..
——————————————–

Saas ki kamjor aankhe

Saas (bahu se): Bhagwan ne tumhe 2-2 aankhe di. Chawal me se 2-4 pathhar nahi nikal sakti kya.

Bahu: Very funny! Bhagwan ne tumhe 32 daant diye 2-4 pathhar bhi nahi chaba sakti ?
——————————————–

Bahu ka Saas se sawal

Dekho Saasu maa
Sabhi kahte hai yeh tumare ghar ki bahu hai !!

Koi yeh kyun nahi kahta ki yeh tumare ghar ki bahu ks ghar hai