Funny Quotes, Thoughts and One-Liners! Funny One Liner Jokes If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out. I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato. I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook." Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood. I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect." Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems. People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've got diarrhea is better. Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now... Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola. "Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company. If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh? Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to...Unless you're in prison! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons. If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved. Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I'm driving, it scares the crap out of me. Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping. If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs. Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid? I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better... they worship cows. If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do. Don't be racist, be like Super Mario. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican. Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection! I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.