A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: “How much for the Engineer brain?” “3 dollars an ounce.” “How much for another generic profession brain?” “4 dollars an ounce.” “How much for the lawyer brain?” “100 dollars an ounce.” “Why is lawyer brain so much more?” “Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?”
One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog." The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!" The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!" The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me." So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back. The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor." The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"
Whatsapp english jokes A boy went to propose a girl Boy : Hey baby, I love u..!! Will you marry me? Girl : What’s ur status?? Boy : I m the owner of my own big village and I have 1 security,own army,gold mine and wine Girl : Love you 2 honey. yes Yes After marriage… Girl asked the boy where is your village… And the Boy opens Clash of Clans
Here are some best kids jokes -Funny Kids Jokes A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. “Now listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy, “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go” A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher." Ek chota baccha bahut der se ghar ke bahar khada darwaje ki ghanti bajane ki kosish kar raha tha.Toh ek budha aadmi aaya aur kaha: Budha aadmi: Kya kar rahe ho beta? Baccha: Uncle, yeh ghanti bajana chahta hoon. Budha aadmi (ghanti bajake): Yeh lo bajgaya, ab kya hai? Baccha: Ab bhago!
पत्नि, पति से लड़ रही थी…. पति ने तंग आकर अपनी सास को मोबाइल से मैसैज किया : आपका प्रोडक्ट मेरे मुताबिक नहीं चल रहा है, इसके प्रोडक्शन में in-built कई त्रुटियाँ है जो मुझे डिलीवरी के समय नहीं बताई गई थीं अत: मैं इसे लौटाकर आप से एक्सचेंज की डिमांड करता हूँ….! सास का तुरंत बिंदुवार प्रत्युत्तर आया : वारंटी खत्म हो चुकी है रिफंड या एक्सचेंज जैसी कोई पोलिसी नहीं हैं प्रोडक्ट की परफोरमंस बेहतर करना आपके ही हाथ में हैं प्रोडक्ट को यूज करने के नियम कायदे और सावधानियाँ डिलिवरी से पूर्व आपको फेरों के समय स-विस्तार बता दिये गये थे अब वैसे भी कंपनी ने नया प्रोडक्ट बनाना बंद कर दिया हैं अतः इसी प्रोडक्ट से “Handle With Care” के साथ जीवन यापन करने की सलाह दी जाती है…! शुभेछु आपकी सास , आख़िरी सांस तक Funny Joke in Hindi , Hindi joke, Husband wife joke
Ek metting hoti hai uss metting mein sirf sardar hi sardar thay. Sare sardar iss baat par behas kar rahe thai ki sirf sardaro par hi jokes kyun bantain hai aur kisi par kyun nahi. Iss mein se ek sardar utha or bola ki main iske bare mein pata lagaounga. Who iske liye America gaya aur waha ke president se mila aur bola ki sirf sardaron par hi jokes kyun banay jantain hai. Toh president bola ki main suna hai ki sardar mein mind kam hota hai. Ye sunte hi sardar ko ghussa aagaya. President ne kaha ki main proof kar sakta hoon. Sardar bola kaise??? - President: Acha bataon mere ghar mein main, meri bivi, mere bache, par thisra koun? Bohot sochne samajhne ke baad bhi sardar uske sawalo ka jawab nahi de paya. Toh president ne jawab diya ki who thisra kon?… main Mister Clinton. Jawab leker sardar wapas aagaya phir metting bethi. Sabhi ne kaha kya tumne pata lagaya. Toh sardar ne kha ki haa. Hampe jokes iss liye bantain hai ki haam bewakuph hotain hai. Yeh suntain hi waha par bethai sabhi sardar pinak gaye par unko shant karte hue sardar bola ki usne proof kiya hai. Chalo main tum sab se ek sawal karta hoon ki mere ghar mein main, meri bivi, mere bache, par thisra koun? Sabhi shochne lage par koi jawab nahi de paya tab sardar bola, “Are bhai thisra koun woh Mister Clinton.” -
A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute." "God, how much is a million dollars?" "To me, it's a penny." "God, may I have a penny?" "Wait a minute."
Question: “How to kill an ant?Asked in an Exam for 10 Marks!! Student:Mix Chilly Powder with Sugar,& keep It Outside the Ant’s Hole..! After eating, Ant will Search for some Water near a Water tank.Push ant in to it.. =!! Now Ant will go to Dry itself Near Fire,When it Reaches fire, Put a Bomb into D fire..!! Then Admit Wounded Ant in ICU..!! And Then Remove Oxygen Mask from it’s Mouth and Kill the Ant.. !! MORAL: Don’t Play with Students.. !! They can do any thing for 15 Marks..
New Funny Jokes In English English Whatsapp Jokes, Funny WhatsApp Jokes in English, best collection of WhatsApp veg Jokes in English, English Whatsapp #Jokes Funny Jokes in English The Ugliest Baby A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.” Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter? A: An envelope. Anna: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week. Ben: That's impossible. Whose baby? Anna: An elephant's. A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn't. Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn't speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk? Officer: Yes, you would. Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think. Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk! Are you guys looking for some new funny jokes in English? If yes, you are in the right place. Laughter is the best medicine for your brain and body. New Funny Jokes in English My girlfriend’s birthday is in two days. And she told me “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring”. So I bought her nothing! Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night. Beautiful night is, When you hug your teddy bear and sleep. Horror night is, When your teddy bear hugs you BACK. What is love? Love is our 7th sense that destroys all 6 sense And makes the person nonsense. Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane. Before the takeoff, one announcement came “This plane is made by your students” Then all the professors stood up, ran and went outside. But the principal was sitting. One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”? Then the principal replied “I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”. Funny English Joke: Before the problems start! A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!" Funny English Joke: Twins A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” Couple in a Restaurant - English Joke Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant… As the food was served, Husband said: “The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.” Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home. Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook. Wife wants to relax today! Wife: Today, I want to relax, so I have brought three movie tickets. Husband: why three tickets? Wife: you and your parents. Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons." Accidents outside work place Employee: Boss, I’ve got married. Can I get a pay rise? Boss: We do not compensate for the accidents that happen outside of the work place. English Joke: Wife Wanted A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday. ————————- Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. ————————- A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.” ————————- My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?” ————————- The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’ The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’ The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’ ————————- A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!” ————————- Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in…
Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask." The Sardar asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The Sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos. His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a Thermos flask." The boss asks, "What does it do?" He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office”? “I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill”. The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. Once a preacher was preaching on the theme: I am coming - The final coming of Christ. The church was full and some people were even seated right in front of the pulpit. Unfortunately, at times the priest suffered from memory loss. At one point, he spoke in the person of Christ: “I am coming!” but just then his memory failed him. He couldn’t proceed. He repeated, “I am coming! But still no success. To hide his embarrassment, he hit the railing of the pulpit and shouted once again “I am coming!”. to the horror of al, the railing gave way, and he landed in the lap of a lady sitting below. As the priest apologized to her, she excused him saying: Father, it is not at all your fault. I should have been more careful. In fact you said three times ‘I am coming’. A dieticians was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or probably will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "The Wedding cake." A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that "JONAH" was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if JONAH went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old. After explaining the commandment to "HONOR" thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him." A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or, 'that's Michael. He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead." A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet aren't empty Paul: I am late, teacher, I overslept. Teacher: what? You mean to say you sleep at home also? Teacher (to parent): Rahul is naughty and deserve punishment. Parent: Please do not punish Rahul, he is very sensitive. Just slap the boy next to him-he will get the message. On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" The Lord got so tired of a certain man's prayers that He appeared to him one day and said: "I have decided to give you any three things you ask for. After that I won't give you anything else." Happily the man made his first petition at once. He asked that his wife should die so that he could marry a younger woman. His petition was granted. But when his friends gathered for the funeral, they began to…