JOKES ABOUT HUSBAND AND WIFE

JOKES ABOUT HUSBAND AND WIFE

THE WHOLE WORLD IT`S ONLY YOU

– I love you!
Prove it!
– How?
Shout that you love so all the world can hear.
He quietly walked over and whispered in her ear:
– I love you …
Why is it so quiet and why in my ear?
Because the whole world to me – it’s only you.

FOUND THE COMPROMISE

Husband and wife come for consultation to psychologist.
Husband :
– We are always arguing. We have only one car and she wants me to drive her to work every day and then go to my office and she doesn`t want to get out of the house earlier and she wants to go to work by the car only , so I am always late.
Doctor :
– Try to find the compromise , for example , you drive her to work one week and the other week she drives you to the office .
One week later husband comes back to the psychologist`s office.
Doctor :
– So,did you find the compromise?
Husband :
– Yes,we did , last week I was going to work by subway……

YOU`LL NEVER FIND WIFE LIKE ME

Husband and wife are arguing.
– You`ll never find wife like me ever again.
– I will never search for one like you ever again …….

BAD VISION – Husband and wife joke

Wife with a husband comes to the eye doctor office :
– Doctor,my husband has a very bad vision. Please convince him to do the surgery!!!
She leaves.
Doctor checks guy`s eyes and realized that his vision is 100% :
– Why do you pretend at home that you have a bad vision?
– Doctor you just can`t imagine how tired am I for 37 years marriage  to answer the questions like : “Is this dress better then the other?”,
“Is this hairstyle better ?” , “Do you think I look good for that party?” , “Do you think this color of dishes is good for our kitchen?” …….

NEW HAIRSTYLE- Husband and wife joke

 

Wife comes back from very expensive VIP hairdressing salon and asks husband :
– Honey,how do you like my new hairstyle?
Husband looked at wife and says :
– Don`t worry it`ll grow back fast !!!

DIVERSITY IN THE DAILY DIET

Husband asks wife :
– Why did you start making steaks different sizes ?
– But,Honey,didn`t you asked for some diversity in our daily diet ?!

I REALIZED THAT I AM THE VICTIM

After ten years of marriage, the wife asks her husband:
– Honey, are you by nature a winner or a loser?
– Honey, over the years I realized that I am the victim …

THE WHOLE WORLD FOR ME – IT`S ONLY YOU

Husband and wife are talking :
– I love you!
– Prove it!
– How?
– Shout that you love me so the whole world can hear you.
He quietly walked over and whispered in her ear:
– I love you …
– Why so quiet and why in the ear?
– Because the whole world for me – it’s only you.

WIFE DECIDED TO LOSE WEIGHT

My wife decided to lose weight.
She started going to the fitness classes,pool and singing lessons.
You probably want to ask:”Why the singing lessons?”
She just want to make herself as busy as possible,so she doesn`t have a lot of time to eat.

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTERESTS – Husband and wife joke

 

Husband and wife divorcing.
I the court judge ask husband:
– What is the reason for divorce?
– Unfortunately my wife and me have completely different interests : I interested only in women, and she interested only in men…

USING EAR AS AN ASHTRAY

– Why do you want to divorce your wife?
– She smokes in bed!
– Well,that`s not a reason for divorce.
– Yes,but also she likes to use my ear as an ashtray!!!

YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS COMPLETE REST

– Your husband needs complete rest, – doctor cays to a woman. – Here is the prescription for sleeping pills.
– How often does he have to take them,doctor?
– No sleeping pills are for you,so he can have rest.

SHE IS IN A HURRY

– Who are you talking there more than an hour? – husband asks his wife, leaning out of the window.
– This is Mrs. Brown, dear. She is in a hurry, and she does not have time to visit us.

HOW COME YOU CAN`T TALK

Wife saying to a husband :
– I need to talk to you about something very important,but I can`t because you always drunk.
– How come? I am always drunk,but you are the one who can not talk? I don`t understand.

LOST EACH OTHER IN A STORE

Husband and wife lost each other in a big store.
So husband asking very cute salesperson:
– Please,can you smile to me?
– Why?
– If you do,my wife will appear here in a second.

MY WIFE WANTS TO LOSE WEIGHT – Husband and wife joke

– My wife wants to lose some weight,so she is doing a lot of horse riding.
– And,what are the results?
– For one week horse lost 20 pounds.

NOW IT`S USELESS

– One guy complain to his friend:
– I don`t know what`s wrong with my wife. Every night she is coughing so bad,I can`t even sleep.
– You should send her to a doctor.
– Oh,now it`s useless. Tonight I am leaving to a business trip for a week.

VERY IMPORTANT MATTER

Wife argue with husband:
– You can`t choose what car to buy almost for five months!!! And when we start dating,you proposed to me after just one week!!!
– Darling,you can`t compare this kind of things. Choosing the car – it is very important matter!!!

HE THINKS THAT HE IS A CHICKEN

 Can you imagine,my husband has an obsession!!! All the time he thinks that he is a chicken!!!
– You have to bring him to a doctor.
– No,no,no!!! Then I won`t have fresh eggs for breakfast every day!!!

BEAUTIFUL WORDS

Wife saying to her husband :
– Honey,is it true that my eyes blue,like a sky?
– Yes. – husband replied
– And my lips red,like roses?
– Sure.
– Oh,I like it so much,when you saying to me such a beautiful words.

ON THE BEACH

Husband and wife are sitting on the beach.
Wife asking husband:
– What do you like more in me : my body or tan?
– Your sense of humor, – husband responded.

TOOK EACH OTHER PHONES

They lived happily,until  by mistake they took each other phones.

TOO TIRED HUSBAND

Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.
– How is your married life? – one is asking.
– My husband for a last couple of weeks is helping me a lot around a house:watching kids,cooking,doing the shopping,cleaning,doing laundry…..
– How did you convinced him to do that?
– He read the article in one magazine that if woman less tired at the and of the day,then she is much more active in sex.
– And,did it help him?
– I don`t know yet.He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.

HUSBAND AND HIS SOON EX WIFE

Young wife says to her husband:
–  Now that we’re married, you’d better stop playing golf. Judge for yourself : –  if you sell all the sticks, we can afford to buy new furniture.
–  You sound like my ex-wife.
– The ex-wife??? You did not tell me that before you was married to someone!
– I was not,you`ll be my ex soon.

MARRIED LIFE

From a married life.
First year : he is talking – she is listening.
Second year : she is talking – he is listening.
Third year : they both are talking – neighbors are listening.

JUST FOR A MINUTE

Wife saying to a husband :
– I `ll go to a neighbor for a minute and you stir soup every 10 minutes.

DO SOMETHING UNUSUAL

Wife saying to a husband :
– Life is so boring,I want to do something unusual,something that I never did before.
– Ok, – husband reacted, – you can iron my shirt

TICKETS ON THE PIANO

Husband and wife going by a taxi to the airport and they where very late. When they almost got to the airport wife says:
– I wish we took our piano with us.
– What a silly thoughts you have in your head? – husband responds.
– I forgot our plane tickets on the piano.